The Same Question

I have posed this question here before: “What happens when?...”

The very fact that I am here means that I have failed! I said I’d do anything for my family, but maybe I didn’t mean it. Maybe I really am that selfish.  All I can think about is how much better I am than this!

Guess I am a pompous asshole afer-all.  Seems I have created a way I can not win.

Either I’m a lying cheater or an honest failure, or both.  In fact, that pretty-much sums me up! A lying, cheating failure! God, why was I even born? I can’t let the reason be what’s it’s been: to ruin three precious lives; tow of which I helped to create, so that I destroy? NO!!!! That can’t be all there is!

Please, if anything, then my life for theirs! I have taken too much. I am not a man, and add no value here. Please, God, “change me or kill me”.  I mean it – fix my damaged brain.  Heal my evil soul.  Remedy my dishonesty. Give me strength!

Why must others read? Why!?! It’s all so private. I want them to read. Somebody needs to read, to put loving arms around me; and (maybe) to say, “I know. I’ve been there too.”