What Is This Then?

“We don’t have a relationship?”

Ha! You’re telling me!

Having a problem that affects BOTH of us & telling me to “take care of it, or else” is NOT a relationship. Telling me that if I don’t live up to your expectations you’ll leave me is NOT a relationship. You Never saying a kind word.

Accusing me of being false and then yell at me WHILE we are walking into a room only to stop and smile when somebody walks up. You smile all night, laugh with me, and hold my hand. Then, as soon as we hit the car, I am a jackass again.

I have decided that I will study to become a proctologist and a psychologist so that I can give you what you want and FINALLY get my head out of my own ass.

God…….

Now do you know what I can’t send you these? Words come, heated in the moment. I am angry, but not at you. I don’t like some of the things you do. You are a victim here. You are a victim of my life. If I were standing in the way of a bus, I wouldn’t pull you beside me so we could become a double road-pizza. There is no bus, only my stupidity. The effect is the same; expect that if there were a bus, I’d also be driving.

(Hours later)

Peaceful, upstairs, asleep. I wonder at my life. Kahlil Gibran once said that, “A man may take his own life, in self-defense.” In my case, it would be in defense of my family. I have never laid a hand on any of you, and never would. My abuse is psychological. In your mind I am your enemy. In my mind, I am my own. The relationship is selfish; we are both focusing on me. Where is the room for you? For your dreams? I hurt you if I stay. I hurt myself if I go. I used to think I made pour decisions. Now I know I am incapable of making decisions at all.