Independence? Hey!

How do you tell your wife something like that?"

Honey, I'm just too scared of something, but I don't know what. I know it seems strange, dear, but I just have to lie to you so I can get away from the beach, you, and our two beautiful children so I can have time to myself (which I don't deserve), to figure out a puzzle, when I don't even know what it's supposed to look like when it's all put together. Okay?"

The truth is, you can't. So, you end up with: "Work needs me for a special conference on the July 4th. I know it's weird, but we don't want me to lose my job, do we?"I learned two very important things this weekend.
1) No more than three hours of TV a week for me
2) I shall never, under NO circumstances, ever yell at the girls again! They are children, damn it! (and I love them)

Even if I do slip and yell, I am going to apologize right away & make SURE they know that it is NOT them, that even if I am upset, that yelling is NOT a good way to handle it. One of the audio books from the car trip had a great line:"....What makes us human is how well we treat the people who are left." I will treat Laura and the girls better.Ah, well. Nobody seems to read this shit anyway. I want to have a reader. I want to dazzle, to engender a cathartic episode, leading to a massive explosion of a revolution of the psyche.

See, phrases like that are lost in the emptiness of cyberspace. Is it some great cosmic joke that having ADD allows me HUGE creative leaps, but doesn't allow me anywhere to land? Best description I've heard for the ADD Adult: Unrealized potential.Wish I didn't know I "could", so that it wouldn't hurt so much that I "don't".

Still, all this is shit! It doesn't matter. Don't even if it's true, but even so, it doesn't matter. I (the ego "I") doesn't matter! I think more people should realize that! "I" only matter in relation to my usefulness in the interactions of those who interact with me. My daughters depend on me. I don't come through, and "I" cease to matter, in relation to them. They MUST be taken care of. Me, or somebody else - Laura would see to that. I would in her place. For them at least, "I" would cease to matter - to exist, really -- because they would cease to interact. No interaction, no validation, no existence.

I am beginning to think that there is NO truth beyond what we agree on. Reality is not a constant we accept, it is creation that must accept our place in it. Maybe that is where our sense of struggle comes from. Create something, and you must get others (sooner or later) to agree on its existence, or else -- POOF!Either, I keep coming back to the this fact:We were not born into a world alone.

There must be some significance in that.