Domino

Why should I worry here? This is a safe place, isn't it? You don't know me, you can't point to me to say, "Hey, isn't that the guy who writes all that shit on that ADD blog?'

You don't know me. Why should I worry? Why do I anyway?

Media's brain-washed me, just like it has all of you. I didn't sleep tonight. I took my Adderall later so I could stay up, so I could be alone. Alone to reflect, to masturbate, to watch all the trash TV I can't watch during the day because I don't want my kids to see it.

My reality doesn't motivate me enough to contemplation, only movies seem to do that. Please tell me that really is as pathetic as it sounds. In order for life to work, it must be simple. There are many questions, that is true. But in order to live your life, in order for things to work, I think you just have to say "fuck it' to most of them, and throw them out. The resulting life may not be as multi-layered, but it will fit, it will be simple, it will work. Richly colored paintings are no good in a gallery nobody visits.

I should be able to work, come home, play with my children, pay my bills, make love to my wife, go to bed, start it again. God, how I long for the sweet boring simplicity of it all. Why isn't it more simple? Why do I always seem to fuck everything up? Why can't I wake up and realize that it's questions like, "Why do I always seem to fuck everything up"; that is at the heart of why I do. There are questions you just shouldn't ask. Not if you want to be simple, not if you want it to fit in, to work.

Why should I worry here? Maybe because I'm afraid that just one person out there will see past all this. Will read without their impersonal filters applied, and see the meta-message: I am afraid, help me. I am afraid that even if somebody did, and were able to find me, and ask me what they could do for me - that I would give the only truthful answer there is; I don't have the slightest idea what I need.

I am afraid of my imagination, of my ambition. I am afraid that some will read this and applauded my desire for simplicity. I fear that some will not. Most of all I fear that nobody could ever understand my hatred for either option. There is no problem with one side of the coin or the other. The problem is that we are regulated to tossing the fucking coin in the first place. Is that senseless? Should I worry here?